I recently (re)posted on Facebook an article that I initially found on The Trout Underground about how a dog will line itself up longitudinally with the north or south pole while dropping a deuce. The premise of the article was decidedly scientific and makes the argument that this behavior is a response to the dog's sensitivity to the earth's magnetic fields. The article can be read HERE.
While this has provided me with endless discussion, and an unnatural fascination of watching my dog shit all over the yard, it has also resonated with me on a philosophical level.
At the risk of anthropomorphism to an extreme degree, it occurs to me that most dogs are naturally "happy". Could that happiness be a result of having a daily adjustment or re-calibration to their "compass"?
It's at this point that I should admit that I spend a LOT of time inside my own mind. (Mrs. MacLoosh is shaking her head in agreement right now...) It's a personality flaw, what can I say? I have tried and failed more times than I can count to calm what appears to be a natural tendency towards a troubled mind.
A conversation with a trusted friend today led us into a discussion of "Legacy". He seems to be fairly clear in his understanding. I, on the other hand, have been rocked by the seemingly simple concept of "legacy". More specifically, what will be the legacy I leave my kids with? This question by itself wouldn't normally be enough to plunge me into the depths of such deep self examination. I'm not THAT fragile and every parent worth their salt will ask this question of themselves at some point. But, this question and conversation has occurred at a time when my internal dialogue has had all the subtlety of a diesel freight train carrying dynamite.
I'd like to tell you it's just the winter blues. Cabin fever induced and exasperated by the fact that I haven't been fishing for over 3 months now. But I'm afraid this is something deeper.
Why tell you this? Why spill my beans like this? Because on the list of things I have taken up over the years in the name of mental health is an experiment I like to call The MacLoosh Chronicles.
While I billed it as "just a need to do something in the off season", starting this blog was an attempt to provide myself an outlet to turn some of that internal dialogue outward and hopefully provide myself with a "relief valve" of sorts. I realized very quickly that people don't want to read about my angst. Hell...I realized that I didn't even want to listen to myself. So I tried to mask with fun. If the site was to be popular at all, it could not just be me spilling drama. (Apparently the narcissist in me took over and I thought it NEEDED to be popular???) To do that, the blog needed to be about Fishing. Positive. Fun. Hoo Ra! Check out my flies! Hey, check out my fish! Blah blah blah.
In the midst of creating this site, I have admittedly had a lot of fun. I mean A LOT of fun! I am pretty proud of The MacLoosh Chronicles as it stands today. But...it isn't doing what I intended it to do.
In fact, I am not confident that writing this blog and the associated manic web surfing of other blog sites hasn't contributed to my current troubled state of mind. So much time with a computer on my lap has taken me away from activities that I used to enjoy. Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIN, Google + and all the others have also become such a time suck in my life that I find myself more restless than I have ever been. I don't want my kids to remember me as a slouch who sat on the couch glued to his computer. I don't want that to be my legacy.
Add to that a heavy dose of self examination, and I find myself at a cross-roads.
As such, I've decided to turn my computer off for a while. It's time to unplug. In a sense, it is time for me to go out into the yard, and turn circles until I am in tune with my own magnetic fields. Hopefully I will get myself lined up with the poles again.
To my neighbors who read this: no worries...I won't shit in the yard.
To my wife: NO. I have not cracked up completely....only a little bit.
To my friends and colleagues out there in blogland...I am not closing down completely. Just giving online life a rest while I re-calibrate. I hope you understand.
As always, thanks for reading.